slew of words

aplomb – noun – complete and confident composure or self-assurance

My aplomb is a scale that fluctuates up and down cyclically. A state of mind that I long to achieve wholeheartedly. One where I stop automatically identifying myself through means of self-deprecation but rather self-appreciation. Where I allow myself to receive credit when credit is due, rather than feel impending anxiety over how it could all go wrong.

My aplomb is not in full sight but will be marked by the day I can confidently brag about myself without undermining my own success. Hey world, I made it to where I am because I worked hard and I deserve it.  Instead of- Hey Sarah, it’s probably not that big of a deal. Look at everyone else doing the same. Or better. The box being checked when I can reveal my emotions to others without feeling selfish, or guilty.

My aplomb has not yet taken shape, but shines through brightly in specific instances. Like when I am standing up for a person I love, defending their honor, stepping in like a guard dog. Or when I stand up for myself, proving my bark and my bite are equal forces to be reckoned with. Or when I trust my intuition, letting it lead me to places and realms of my consciousness I never knew existed.

My aplomb tries its very best but sometimes gets stunted by a dark inner force that decides to take the wheel. Where I look in the mirror and pick apart pieces of my confidence, like a tower of Jenga. Labeling my vulnerability as a weakness and the downpour of tears as losing. Convincing myself that no matter if I take one step forward, I will always end two behind.

My aplomb sometimes quivers and shakes, but is aided so much by the people I identify with. Often my stability is regained by the ones I have meticulously chosen to stand by my side. Their loyalty and devotion uncovering all of the qualities in me that I admire most, reminding me of the ones I may have forgotten, pointing out the ones that still need work.

My aplomb used to be rooted into a faulty foundation, based solely on superficial measurements. Like the number of compliments I received or dates I went on or double taps on a photograph. But is now starting to be based more firmly on manifestations of my character. Like the amount of people I make laugh or the number of times I feel proud of my accomplishments or how frequently my smile wins the battle against my depression.

My aplomb is a work in progress, but gets stronger every day. Because when I admitted to myself that something was wrong, that something was broken, I did the best thing I ever could for it. The moment I was able to be honest and exposed with myself sparked the change. The pace at which it strengthens not being the focus as long as the motion is forward.