slew of words

passim – adverb – in one place and another, here and there

There has always been a pressure to define everything in binary terms- male or female, black or white, happy or sad, success or failure. To fill in a concrete bubble or place yourself in a box. To find security in a claimed, restrictive value.

But there are so many instances and emotions that are more accurately described in duality. Something that may make us feel uncomfortable to embrace, as it opens the door to identifying the full range of what we are, what we feel, what we want.

Here and  there.

Like being equal parts excited and nervous for what might lie ahead. Being confident in a decision but realizing it may still backfire. Commending the risks you are taking to make a change, but leaving pieces of your heart behind in nostalgia.

Like experiencing your heart flutter at the thought of a person you want to throw your entire being into, but your head intervening to slow you down. Knowing that someone may not deserve a second chance but also knowing you will give it to them anyways.

Like realizing you are making the wrong decision, but also understanding it is a crucial character arc in the story that is yours. Questioning how something that feels so right, could actually be considered incorrect.

Like feeling torn between calling the place you were raised or the place that makes your heart smile “home.” Never factoring in the physical address or shelter you occupied, but instead the memories and the individuals who make it feel familiar.

Like striking the balance between spontaneity and regret. Acknowledging that some of the best choices you could ever make happen with little to no plan at all, but also taking care in planning for choices that could have the most impact.

Like recognizing that progress is not linear and that you have to allow yourself to slip up without feeling completely defeated. Coming to terms with the fact that individual days do not define your success, and that you are allowed to feel sadness without guilt.

Like finding beauty in the darkest times. Excavating love out of loss, clarity out of pain, strength out of fear, confidence out of defeat.

Like looking back on a year that had such high highs and low lows, and not being sure how to file it away in your memories. Whether it was positive or negative is unclear, but knowing definitively that it was a year of passim.